Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Stuck in a Rut

When I binge, I normally don't have another occurence the very next day. Well, guess what - today I did.

I think I am learning what triggers me. I must not be on my own. Must not be around food. That is not so easy when you are unemployed and only have 'me, myself and I' for company for hours at a time. Plus, the longer I stay unemployed the more frustrated/bored/depressed I feel, the more I need to raid the fridge.

Why can't I get a job? I did the whole university thing, got my degree, had plenty of experience. Is it because I don't interview well? What do you expect when I feel so self-conscious? I'm not one of those bubbly, effervescent kind of gals that are so poised and have perfect answers for all the questions they are asked. I am a nervous wreck.

So, I binged today. And now at 1:45am, I am going to get rid of it. Sweet Dreams.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Manic Monday

I had a good weekend. My food was back on track (albeit with a lot of restricting), but no bingeing or vomiting. G was with me all the time and I managed to be semi-sociable.
The problem happened again this morning. I got frustrated and headed straight to the fridge. Within 15 minutes, I had probably consumed enough calories for an entire week. It's such a fucking nightmare. Two days good, one day bad.
Nobody else knows about this - just you. I'm too embarrassed of this disgusting habit. It's ok to starve but to binge. No way. That's just dirty.
Going to be better tomorrow.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Back on Track

Today, I am starting afresh. I am not going to binge and purge. It's always easier on the weekend, I am not alone, thank God. It's like I'm a child that constantly has to be watched. Why can't I fucking look after myself like every other adult?
Am scared that my teeth are literally disintegrating in my mouth. The acid is causing them to rot. Isn't that an incentive to stop the throwing up? You'd think. But no, there's always a tasty cookie to be guzzled or a pizza slice waiting to be devoured. This city is like one big food binge. Every other shop is a food store/cafe/restaurant. How can an eating disordered person stay on track when there are so many temptations out there?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lack of Control

So, I went a day not bingeing, purging or doing anything bad to myself. It was great. 24 hours of being good to myself.
Of course, 1 day was more than can be hoped for and I lost it again today. It is incredible the amount of food I can stuff into my body: 3 sushi rolls, an entire box of cereal, penne pasta, pint of frozen yogurts and countless cookies. It's disgusting. And now I have the fun task of getting rid of it all.
I hate this existence. Please help me to get it out of it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Barely Surviving

Ugh. Another broken night of no sleep and vomiting. I don't understand why I do it to myself, it's so painful. Is it the feeling of getting rid of all the sadness inside or the pleasure in feeling empty again? Rid of all the food and bitter thoughts. A chance to start afresh once more. Today should be better. I won't be on my own tonight and not left to my own destructive devices.


Welcome to my first blog. It's 4:55am and I can't sleep. I try to but it doesn't happen. I'm anxious and nervous. The more I think about things, the more worried I get.
Going to be sick again tonight. I managed 8 nights without it but couldn't control myself any longer. I blame M.